The day I saw you

I never forget to use all of my senses every time I stepped my foot in this city.

Humidity that left a tingling sensation on my skin

The smell of gasoline

The bright luminescent sky that made me squint

The chitter-chatter of my mother tongue accompanied by the noise of honking cars from afar.

Landing my feet here have never been an issue although I was born and raised hundreds of kilometers away from this restless urban area. I choose to travel two hours from where I landed to get home. I used to have a lot of anticipation and admiration to this city. As much as I admire the one who never failed to convince me about the many wonder of the place she called home. I used to long for her warm greetings, comforting hugs, and tip-toed kisses. But not anymore.

I used to enjoy every minutes I spent seating on an inanimate four-wheeled drive with the sight of red lights. I used to cherish the very last moments of my solitude, because 60 minutes later, I would have arrived in my comfort and nothing else matters. But again, not anymore.

Instead of drifting on this four-wheeled drive in a jam-packed highway, all I really wanted to do is drifting myself to a deep sleep. Because every time I looked at the street lights, I could feel them smirked at me and said, “What are you doing here? Go home!”. Not to mention the teasing laughter of the huge green exit signs on the highway. They knew that this thing I am doing will never workout. I might be making a fool of myself, but I can’t just ignore the fact that I am in her atmosphere.

The four-wheeled drive took me to the place I remembered the most. The only place I could think of every time I landed. The only place I rushed into. The only place that shut it’s door right in front of my face and had left my heart shattered in pieces. I could not think of any place other than this, my only comfort.

Without the need of hesitation, I scrolled through the Contacts book on my phone. My thumb fixated on her name, and so as my eyes. To call or not to call. I did not know what to do other than racing to this sanctuary. Watching from afar, trying to gather all of the missing pieces meanwhile torturing myself from within.

“Dave?”

The knock on my window startled me like an earsplitting thunderclap. I could not believe my eyes, but she was standing next to my smeared window, trying to peek in. I shut the engine and awkwardly stepped out of my bubble.

“I’m sorry, I was just passing by”

I can’t even think of a proper reason of why I always came back racing through her door for the last two years, without her knowing.

“Are you lost?”

“No. I’m uh… Well, you know—“

She sighed.

“You’re lost. And this is the only place you could think of?”

Out of words, I should’ve just listen to the street lights.

“I’m sorry Rachel. I didn’t mean to—“

“Dave, it’s been two years”

“I know, and I am trying. I’m trying so hard to not to. But Rach, I can’t lie to myself”

“I thought you had it all figured out”

“I did have things figured out. But you’re not one of them”

She did not say a word, so we spent milliseconds to stare into each other’s eyes. But I can’t see the comfort and the warmth like I used to.

“I just wanted to see you”

At last, I said it loud and clear.

“By stopping on my drive way and staring at my house from your window every time you come home for the new year?”

It surprised me that she did know.

“Rach—“

“You can’t gather up the pieces anymore, Dave. They’re not here”

“But those are what I have left”

“No. There’s nothing here”

She sighed again.

“You should stop whatever you’re doing, Dave. It’s unhealthy”

She folded her arms and slowly backed away.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t think of other way to not see you”

And torturing myself, of course. If only I could say that.

“I gotta go, Dave. It’s good to see you. But you should stop whatever you’re doing on this driveway”

She gave me a tight-lipped smile before she mouthed her last words followed with a pat on my shoulder.

“I will see you some other time”

The last pat she gave on my shoulder, would be the ultimate reason of why I should stop whatever I’m doing and coming back to this shitty city. She has managed to enlighten me with the most subtle gesture. In the company of a precious little diamond that fitted perfectly on her left ring finger.

Well then, it’s time to travel through the many kilometers to get home, leave this burning atmosphere, and never look back.