Mirror Talk

Hello, 2016.

It is the 5^th day of the new year and it might not be too late to start writing down the things I’ve been wanting to share. I’ve seen so many posts out there on my social media feed (and maybe yours too) about how the past year have gone by, the highlights of people’s 2015 moments and not to mention their hope for the new year.

I’ve seen those inspiring posts and it made me realized that every each one of us, have different stories to tell. Some of us are eager to read it aloud and some of us dare enough to keep it to ourselves. Since I have the gut to share, I would like to do the same thing for my readers in a more lengthy words. This post might also be a reflection for me. Clearly, I can’t describe 2015 at a glance, as for me 2015 was one hell of a ride.

Unlike any other past years, 2015 have taught meto see the real world. I managed to step out of my nutshell and face the ugly truth, the real jungle with a slap on the face, I might say.

After the passing of my beloved grandfather on the early months of 2015, I realized that this life is not infinite. Not because I’m not aware of it, my religion has taught me that the life in this mother earth is considered as a transit or a pit stop. I do believe that nothing in this world is eternal. However, the passing of my beloved grandfather and the emotional grief that I’ve experienced taught me the real deal. It taught me to cherish and be thankful of everything that I have and do good deeds as long as I’m breathing. The aftermath of that moment left me with anxiety and fearful thoughts, but that didn’t last for long.

In the midst of 2015, I learned that my life mantras : “Hard work will never betray” and “Go the extra miles, it never crowded” is perfectly come in handy. I hold on to these words whenever I faced hardships and struggles. These mantras allowed me to trust myself, my own process and believe that every drop of sweat is going to be worth it. Thankfully, I managed to graduate on time, stepped out of my comfort zone, said goodbye to a place I called my second home and settle back in the motherland.

As much as I have planned everything once I settle back in the motherland, not all the things turned out as I wanted them to be. To be honest, I really love making plans. Checklists. Alternative plans. Weekly journal. You name it, I’m pretty organized that way. I have planned every step I’m going to pursue once I got back in Indonesia. I’ve updated my CV, applied for jobs, re-arranged my bedroom, listed activities to do on my spare time, exercise plan, and all of the things to make sure I’m on track. Alas, not everything worked out. It might be normal for recent graduates to be frustrated on getting a job they wanted or maybe, what the society wants. I’ve tried my best to not be hard on myself, but I have once fallen into a self-deprecating hole and I was down in the dump for months. It was not that I could not fit in, but it was because what’s available for me was not what I wanted. Or what I have pictured. It might be sounded like : “Opportunities are out there, waiting for you to take them by the hand. But hey, not all of them were meant for you. So try them and see which one is fit. Nothing is fit? Well hold on. Breathe. And try again”. I was facing the ugly truth. A slap in my face. I’ve seen too many emails of offers, acceptances, and rejections (you know what I mean). But then, I decided to spend some time asking myself what I really wanted to be. I looked back to my old journal and notes to remind myself my future goal. With the help of my support system and beloved ones, I figured out who I really wanted to be.

I started to invest in myself. I might not taking society’s path, I might not having a real 9 to 5 job, but I am now building bridges, brick by brick to get to where I want to be. I learned that by investing in myself, there is no other way but up. There will be no loss, only benefit. Though it costs more money (buying books, attending seminars, short courses or workshops), the return will last a lifetime. I started to form a new habit, doing the things I passionate about. Making the most of my time, producing something, honing my own skills. Again, I go the extra miles. By investing in myself, I feel more content, I feel more grateful than ever, and most importantly, I believe in myself and I know in the end, everything will make sense. Only If I continue to build the bridge.

2015 was one hell of a ride. A ride with no end. I am thankful for whatever happened cause it made me stronger today. I have not finished building the bridge, yet. But I will get there soon, one step at a time.

So let there be surprises, 2016.

Xx,

Belle